Celebrating Blind and Partially Sighted Grandmothers
“When we’re together my vision impairment is forgotten. I can use my fingers to touch, hold and hug them!”– Urmila Sharma-Valand
Alternate title “I connect with them at their level – we use WhatsApp and Facetime!”
At BAME Vision, we are celebrating Blind and Partially Sighted parents from ethnic minorities, with the aim of contributing to the diverse representation of the vision impaired community. In this series, we are looking to shine a light on parents who work and volunteer, as we find out more about this largely unreported part of society. We will discuss parenting, culture, mental health, support systems, self-confidence, and everything else in between.
This time we had the pleasure of speaking with Urmila Valand. She is a blind mother of 3 aged early to late 40’s and grandmother to five. Urmila is from a Gujarati, Indian British ethnic background and has the rare eye condition FEVR as well as Uveitis.
How would you describe yourself?
My name is Urmila Sharma-Valand, I have an eye condition called FEVR and Uveitis. FEVR is a genetic disease, no idea where I got it from, while the Uveitis came as a result of a detached retina operation, and it can be very very painful. There is no cure for FEVR. I am many years old [she laughs slightly and continues with an audible smile] I’m a very energetic and enthusiastic person, born in Tanzania – my parents emigrated many years ago from Gujarat. I got married to my husband and live in the UK now. So ethnically I am Gujarati, Indian, British – I was a British citizen when I was born.
I’m a jolly person, I like to get involved with my family, my community and a few other groups because I feel like I have a lot to offer, it’s like me giving something away. I feel excited (in good spirits) unless I have the pain from Uveitis. I like to participate in activities like dancing, singing, cooking, love to read, and enjoy writing poetry.
So, culturally, do you feel that people expect something different from you as a vision impaired grandmother?
Yes, my grandchildren call me “dadima” which is the traditional way to address a grandparent. Some people feel that I am not able to do anything so I should sit around and do nothing because grandmas are taken for granted to just sit and let the world go by. In some communities the trend is changing, and I want to set an example by being the role model, being myself naturally – enjoying my grandchildren and family, although they don’t live with us.
There are many expectations to do with me being blind, that I shouldn’t do anything, my family should live with me to help me, but I’m an independent person and feel that my children should be allowed to do whatever they want to do in life! Obviously, their work takes them where they are, and I respect that – that’s the idea of getting educated isn’t it? I have 3 boys aged early to late 40’s, between them we have 5 grandchildren who are amazing, I love them dearly [she smiles]
What is your favourite blind grandma hack? Do you have any tips you’d like to share?
There are a lot of hacks that I have up my sleeve, but before I begin, I would like to say that I have learnt to take interest in what we are interested in. I feel that grandparents should learn the technology that the younger generations use nowadays – or at least learn how to use WhatsApp and social media! It makes it easier to connect with them. I feel privileged to be able to watch them grow up, and I call my daughters in law my daughters and they call me mum – we have mutual respect for each other. All three of them would say “Mum, can you please instil in our children the values you instilled in yours?” and I respect that, it made me feel like I have done something right in my life, raising my children.
[With my grandchildren] I love telling stories, when they visit they love to get involved, and do things like when I’m in the kitchen they chop vegetables, load the dishwasher, set the table, they help hoover the house – they do all sort of chores but the best thing they like to do is go to the park and play. When I say, “shall we go to a restaurant” they say, “no we like your homemade food”! They have homemade food at home, but they love grandma’s food – traditional food, or if they want Italian or English cuisine, we make it too because they know how to operate the air fryer and the oven, they’re very independent.
When it comes to rules and boundaries, they know it is more relaxed over here! The funny thing is, when their parents come to pick them up, they would go upstairs and make up excuses “oh I forgot my charger!” and the youngest one goes and hides in the cupboard! They make excuses to stay as long as possible.
We don’t spoil them but follow their parents’ rules. From the beginning I have instilled in them that this is not my house, it is ours. So, when I go to visit them, they say “dadima this is our house” it brings that connection, and unity. They’re all even numbers this year, aged 8, 10, 12, 14 and 16.
Something that has worked for me is taking an interest in what they are learning at school. So, I teach them English, reading, and creative writing. We have them registered at the library near us. I also teach them mathematics. You can imagine teaching a 16 year old GCSE maths and the 10 year old saying “dadima can you teach me fractions?” It’s a different way to connect with them apart from the fun stuff. We use Zoom for the learning sessions and Facetime for the fun things like showing me their Lego models or drawings.
Likewise, if I am struggling with anything technology they help me – they are very good with tech the younger generation! If I’m stuck with anything, I just send them a message and they say, “I’ll call you in the evening and show you!”
On the meaning of motherhood, Mother’s Day and traditions.
The Mother’s Day tradition is that they learn the value of “mother”. She is not a homemaker only, because today’s mother holds a job as well as looks after the family. My advice to my grandchildren is usually to share the tasks, go to the shops, respect your parents and follow your instincts. If there is anything you want to talk about, I’m here too. All three of my daughters are very busy women, and I’m not trying to replace their mother, just show them the value of a mother [as a whole person]. I encourage them to have respect and keep their values, because the world out there can be very complicated sometimes.
I remember one time, when one of my grandchildren was 3, he said to me “dadima, it’s not nighttime! Why are you putting night clothes on my little brother?!” and I said “oops! I’m sorry! Can you please get me day clothes?” [hearty laugh] They have seen me use my cane, so they know. They don’t judge, even if I make chapatis and they’re not the most round in shape they still say, “this is the most delicious chapati ever!”
What would you like to say to other blind grandmothers from ethnic minorities out there, and what would your advice be?
My advice would be to connect with grandchildren you need to reach out, open your heart, open your doors. It doesn’t matter if the house is a little bit messy, children don’t look at that, they look at your heart. Try to understand them, and talk with them at their level, and take part in what they are interested in. if anything, even a walk, going to the park or going into town! I don’t drive of course so maybe I can’t take them to more interesting places – I leave that to their parents – but even a river or lake nearby, connecting with nature they learn loads. For some grandparents it might be easy for them to do gardening [with their grandchildren] For instance, we grow potatoes in the summer, and they take them home to their mum to make mash potatoes and such. They see the process from being a seed to cooking, so even something as little as that is so important.
This way, even when they say “I can’t eat all that” I remind them about the farmer who worked very hard on the field, and how we need to respect that. They say “Yes dadima, you are right”.
What do you like most about being a grandmother who is also vision impaired?
When they are around, the vision impaired part doesn’t matter. In a sense that, I use my fingers to hold them, to touch them to hug them. They have grown up knowing their grandma, if they play with toys, they put them away otherwise dadima might trip on them, the relationship we have, well we love each other. They have grown up with empathy and that care component which may lack in some other children. When we’re out I don’t have to tell them to hold my hand, one of them will automatically say “here, let me take you” and the other one would say “shall we take turns now?”.
One day, we were going to the park through a very busy road, and I asked this young lad on a bicycle “excuse me, can you please help me cross the road?” so he whistled, and a few of his friends came around, and they vertically blocked the road with their bikes, so that we could cross! I was taken aback! I thought to myself “wow people are so understanding, someone else might have labelled them but no…” and my little one asked “Why did he do that?” so I said to him “You tell me what you would do to help someone cross the road?” These little experiences make me feel so proud [of people].
Do you have any hobbies, passions and interests?
My hobbies are organising because I love to keep things in place and entertaining. My interests include cooking all sorts of food, such as fusion food and experimenting. I love writing poetry, and reciting. My passion is singing, I recite in Sanskrit – the world’s oldest language, like Latin. It comes from the Indo-European language tree, it is the root language. There is still debate about whether it’s Tamil or Sanskrit, they go either way. It is the language used in the Yoga phrases. So yes, my passion is singing, and I attend a group every Tuesday evening where I recite these songs in Sanskrit, and I love it!
Be sure to tune in for part two, where Sameena will be joining us to discuss more about her hobbies and work, challenges she has faced, and services she has accessed to support her.
Written by Sylvia Chengo – BAME Vision